First off, I know I haven’t been writing for nearly 2 months. Although I don’t consider 5 people a fan base, I’m sorry to those of you (all 5) for my absence.
I took a walk today. I didn’t get out of bed until 1:30 in the afternoon, probably because I didn’t go to bed until 4 in the morning, but I decided to take a walk. First, I went to return some shoes I just recently bought. The zipper broke only after 2 weeks of me wearing them. I then stopped by Starbucks to get a cinnamon dulce latte; my favorite. As I was heading back to my dorm, planning on getting back into bed and finish the day watching Netflix, I made a snap decision and headed east instead.
I found myself at The Art Institute. It’s one of my favorite buildings in Chicago. The regal lions standing guard look out on Michigan Avenue, announcing their presence to the world. I can almost hear them speak to one another. I can only imagine the history they have witnessed. I continued walking and saw that the garden next to the Institute was open, so I went in.
There was a man standing in the middle of the walkway taking pictures. I didn’t want to get in the photo, so I went around him. At the point that I was behind him I looked up to see what he was trying to capture. It was almost unreal. The fountain that usually runs during the warmer months was off and the water was drained, but the sculpture of the fountain was breathtaking. The water had left its effect on the copper figures. Vibrant oranges and yellows seemed to melt over the copper blue. All of the golden leaves on the tress had fallen into the fountain. The vines on the wall were a brilliant red that gradually changed into more yellow and green. The trees had bright little red berries on the branches. I sat down in the garden and stayed there. At that moment, everything seemed right. Everything was in balance.
The past few weeks have been hard. I began to doubt myself and everything I was doing. I no longer knew what I wanted nor where I wanted to be and that terrified me. All of my friends here have an unbreakable passion. You can see it in their eyes. They spend every moment of the day practicing and working and planning. I didn’t feel the same and that scared me. I was exhausted trying to pretend that I felt that way, but I wanted so badly to feel it. I was worn out and unhappy. Maybe I had too many passions and I was stretching myself too thin. Maybe I didn’t have enough passion to spread over all that I love; and I love a lot of things.
I sat in the garden looking at the copper figures and I felt at peace. Multiple people and families had walked by, taken a few pictures, and continued on, but I remained sitting there.
I have time. I don’t have to know what I want yet and I have time to figure it out. Unlike those lions, nothing is ever set in stone. I can be whomever and whatever I want.
I left the garden feeling better than I have in nearly a month. I promised myself I would go to that same spot at least once a week; it has some kind of hold on me. I felt the very low flame within me start to grow… and I know I can’t ignore that feeling.