A February Realization

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It’s interesting what comes out of the new year. It’s the end of December and suddenly everyone is thinking of ways to change. How can I live differently? What can I live without? Am I finally going to commit to a workout schedule? By time time February rolls around, it’s a different story. Most people realize that their resolution/s was/were unattainable. Or maybe they stopped caring. I mean, it’s already February and I’m just now writing this post. People lose motivation. They expect change instantaneously. But that’s not how things work.

When I didn’t instantly feel different when I moved to Chicago, I was surprised. But more importantly, I was terrified. It’s like I expected an abrupt change to come from within, telling me that “this is the place where you can be happy.” When that didn’t happen, I gave up. I didn’t think that being happy was a thing I could achieve. It just wasn’t for me.

During winter break I got to see all of my best friends from high school. It felt good to slip back into the comfort of familiarity. Everything was the same: the same café, the same booth, the same jokes. It felt good, really good. I know these people, I know this town, there’s no unknown here. But hey, that’s the exact reason I wanted to leave.

After a month, I was itching for the city. My time back home felt expired and I couldn’t stand a minute more of it. I lost my sense of comfort to which I was originally clinging. I actually started to feel uncomfortable, like my home didn’t want me there either.

I ditched my small town to live in the city and I’m not happy. I leave the city to go back home and I’m not happy. So, what’s wrong with this picture? Can I really never feel happy?

Of course I can be happy! I was searching for something that couldn’t be found. I couldn’t find it because it wasn’t hiding; it was already with me.

So, for my “New Years Resolutions”…

1. Create my own happiness from within. Happiness starts with me and only me.

2. Make more art. There’s never a surplus of beautiful things in this world.

3. Continue my “Chicago coffee” list…

4. Write more often, even if what I write isn’t good.

5. Make resolutions everyday, not just at the end of the year.

This list has no strings attached, no pressure, but I have a good feeling about it.

Cheers!

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